My Importance in the World
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve felt useless, or how many times I’ve wondered what I’m doing here and what my purpose on this earth is. How I wondered if I was going to be one of those forgotten souls who die without a voice in the world and are never remembered again. I want to be someone important. Someone who will make a difference in the world for the better. I look at myself in the mirror and see mediocracy, someone who doesn’t really matter to anyone who no one really knows. Looking into my green eyes I can see that no one depends on me and no one truly listens to what I have to say or bring to the table. Teachers look at me and see an average student and know nothing about who I am.
All they see is a girl who is an average student. If they knew me they would find out that I have depression and an anxiety disorder. If they knew me they would find out I have an unhappy mother and two sisters, one of which has an eating disorder and takes her rage out on me. If they knew me they’d know how I have to struggle to keep my family happy because I’m a constant reminder to how my dad left them and how I was a mistake that drove my family apart. If they knew me they’d find out that I cry myself to sleep often with the fact that I truly am meaningless weighing heavy on my mind.
Why am I here? What am I here for? I don’t know. I want to be like the kids in my school that matter to people. I raise my hand in AP European History, feeling proudly about myself when I answer a question. Then my teacher hands back my paper with a mediocre grade on it. I feel like shrinking and vanishing away into the air. What college will want me and how will I ever support my mom if I get grades like this. I stare at the floor and wish. If only I didn’t have therapy last night I would have time to study. The thoughts like this conjure up more thoughts. If I didn’t have therapy my family wouldn’t be in such a tight financial situation and could save up...