6/18/12 – ‘Start a log of everything,’ I said. ‘Write in it every day,’ I said. So much for that. Months later. Can’t believe it’s been this long already. It seems to me I’m content to stew in mediocrity for months at a time, only to realize one day that I’m doing nothing with my life and need to do something to change that. I’ll then do something for a few weeks – start learning piano again, start working out again, start writing again, stuff like that. But then, after a few weeks I fall off the train once again and sit in a muddy ditch for several months waiting for the next train to come and hoping that this time I’ll be able to hold on to the damn thing. I’ll never reach any of my destinations, any of my goals, hell – anything, at this rate. I just can’t hold onto motivation. I get a glimpse of it, I reach out and grab it, I hold it, and then it slips through my fingers and is gone. During these last couple days I’ve been feeling an intense need to be creative, to do something, to make something special, something I can be proud of. It seems I never do things like that, and I have to ask myself why. Why do I deny myself that feeling? All I have to do is do it. Write something, write anything. Build something. Draw something. I know I’m not particularly great at doing any of that stuff, but doing it is how you get great. There is no other way. I don’t know if I get discouraged or what. Am I just lazy? I’m definitely afraid. Maybe I need direction, is all. I need to sort these things out, and writing about them does help. I’ll keep writing for now.